I officially get tired at 8:30 p.m.

Nope, not because I'm pregnant. But I do wonder where this exhaustion comes from. It could be my diet and my schedule..Never before have I had to consistently wake up every day at 7:00 am. My days of sleeping in officially ended last June when I took the job with my sister's fiance. I also started my second job this week. Yeah, I took the plunge of selling my soul to a job for 9 months or more. Let me explain.

Last week I worked a lot, which was a blessing since Taylor hasn't started his job yet. I'd come home and swear I'm ready to quit the next day- that's been everyday this whole summer. I don't particularly love this current job. I'm mostly doing it to be nice. That's pretty much it. In many ways, it's a huge burden for me to work, considering daycare costs with a minimum wage that barely covers it. Plus gas, plus time it takes away from other priorities. But, lo, and behold I can't say no, or quit, so I've been truckin' along waiting for the perfect time to tell my boss that I just want to be a Stay At Home Mom. Nothing more. That's it. 

But then last week, my old dance friend Whitney posted a job listing on facebook looking for a receptionist for her dance studio. I don't know what overtook me, probably me wanting out of my current job so bad, I saw this as an opportunity to switch to a job that I'd definitely enjoy more, doing pretty much the same thing. It just felt right, but I was hesitant if whether Whitney would want someone she's known for so long working in her office. Some people might be weird about that. But I emailed her anyway and she eventually called me and within minutes I was hired. Possibly the easiest job interview ever!! 

So far, I love it. And I feel really good about the actual job itself. However, I feel super guilty about how this affects my plans with getting pregnant. Super, super guilty. All summer I was on board to put myself through hell for the sake of bringing another child into our family. I have been so baby-hungry, so anxious about the gap in age, and have only thought about preparing for this major life event by completely overhauling my life just for another baby. 

This may just be a temporary decision, but I have recently decided (without consulting with baby daddy yet) that I should consider waiting ONE MORE YEAR. Yep. That's right. Wait even longer to have one another sweet snuggly baby. GAH. I do NOT wait for nothing!! What the Heck!

It hit me last week. I was reading a post on Facebook from one of my fellow HG sufferers. The topic was space in age and how long do some moms wait til they try to conceive again. A few moms spoke of how they waiting between 5 to 7 years. Before, that would just rub me the wrong way. But as they explained how well it worked for them, I suddenly saw all the ways waiting at least one more year could be a really, really good thing. 

I get 11:11 (angel babies talking to me through numbers) reminders all day long, so this decision is still hard for me to accept. But then I think about how it will help my 2.5 year old with all his final development goals. 

I think about how we can get his belly hole totally closed and healed, how we can keep on working on eating different types of food to further help develop his palate. 

I think about how we can get through potty training, at least the better part. Teach him to take care of his own messes and be done with poopy diapers. 

I think about how we can teach him to communicate more and express himself with words, not with throwing fits from being overly tired. 

I think about how I can work my way into a work schedule that works around HG, and doesn't cause me to quit due to HG. And how Taylor can stabilize his work and school schedule and establish a solid routine, where we don't have to deal with extensive Navy training, getting laid off, or juggling a brand new job, full-time school, and a sick wife and or newborn baby. 

I think about how we've finally moved and settled into our new home, but how it still has a few little projects that need to be done. How it's nice to just sit and relax and enjoy being home all together for once.

 I think about the possibility of selling our Wayne home. And putting the profit towards my huge $12,000 C-section surgery debt I'm slowly chipping away at month after month. 

I think about how Taylor's new job could possibly help pay for his school, so we can possibly use his GI bill to pay off my student loans. Between student loans and a home loan being paid off, I will personally be debt-free. 

I think about how I can finish my degree and possibly my MBA if I devote myself to studies. The thought of being totally done with school, having my debts paid off, and a potty-trained little boy makes the prospects of getting deathly ill not as scary. 

I think about how I can devote the next year as my year. 

I think about how I can give myself the gift of a productive and emotionally satisfying year, knowing full well that I can actually enjoy myself instead of feeling the pressure of rushing to have a baby for the sake of not waiting too long. Sometimes my fear is "If I don't get pregnant now, when will I get pregnant?" I'm afraid I'll always find excuses, or something will prevent us from being able to conceive. That fear has given me a sense that it's now or never, but I'm realizing that a little time is a good thing and can actually make for a better, smoother pregnancy, especially knowing what pregnancies entail for me. 

I hope that this year will be a prosperous one. 

I hope that I'll develop a stronger relationship with my husband and my son. In the past few days, I've been soaking him up and really enjoying this time with him-because I can, so I should. I have been conscious about playing with him and not just turning a movie on and expecting to distract him so I can fit something extra in my day. I had two days off last week and I spent an entire day with him at home. We didn't leave each other's side once. The next day I took him to the park and played with him and let him fully experience the park without rushing him so I could satisfy something on my agenda. I'm finding that I really just need to chill and enjoy the sweet boy he is right now. Sometimes he throws a tantrum, but a lot of times he is perfectly innocent and kind like his father. He says "Thanks, mom." and "You're welcome, mom" and those words are gold to me. As much as I want him to develop and catch up, I don't want my baby to grow up. Especially not with a overly-distracted mom who is more concerned with the next, yet-to-be-conceived baby instead of him. 

After this summer of working, as well as working for Mystique for six months prior to this job, I've realized how I've put my boy on the back burner way too often. I know sometimes you have to, but I feel like it's too easy for me to just drop him off at day-care and expect someone else to care for him. This summer, I felt like between my sister and her daycare helpers, it took a village to help raise my son. It was probably a blessing in disguise, but I still hate the idea that I made something else a priority over being a mother first and foremost. At my Mystique job, I at least knew since I worked evenings, Taylor would be home with him and by the time I got home, they were fast asleep. With this job, it's right smack dab in the middle of the day, so it'd be typical to rush him to daycare for lunch and nap time, then pick him up halfway through his nap with the hopes that he'd finish at home, but instead would just be sleep-deprived and cry for at least the first hour of being home. I had way too many of these sort of days this summer, and it finally has taken its toll on me. I can't disrupt one more thing for my boy. He needs a routine, especially if we're going to attempt potty training. 

So, that is where I currently stand on gettin's my HG on. I may not even wait a whole year. It's possible we could ttc next summer when the kids are done with their dance recital. It'd give me three months to lay low before starting work again next September. 

Also, in the meantime, I could prep my body and overdose on pre-natals and magnesium supplements. I want to look into working closely with a midwife should my pregnancy prove to be low risk (not counting HG). I would definitely be open to a natural birth with natural labor and minimal intervention, if I'm a qualified candidate. I think it'd be a great way to celebrate being 30. 

Wow. 30?!?! 

 Let me just end with that thought.

Until next time,

Vanessa 

Day 13

The past 13 days have been the longest days, spent consumed by the prospect of being pregnant. All that came to a smashing end this morning when I got a surprise when I went to the bathroom. My Period. I had a feeling these past few days that I had period-like symptoms, but there were always the few things that reminded me of being preggo. My dreams lately have been quite lucid and I wake up with a very distinct memory of what I dreamed about. The sleepiness, but like I mentioned earlier, that was probably a combination of quitting caffeine cold turkey and having a sinus infection.

I also realized my ovulation calendar was off by 2 days. So after re-adjusting my calendar, the night we ttc was still one day before my "most fertile day." But the method we used to ttc was probably flawed, to which I am convinced is the main reason I'm not pregnant.

Technicalities aside, I sort of let a sigh of relief when I got the answer. I am right smack dab in the middle of pretty huge projects in my life that would honestly be carried out easier with me having my health and well being under control. But in two short months, I should be completed with everything. I can now finish these projects, and start weaning myself from work, and start saying 'no' to any future projects that I know aren't pregnancy-friendly. I'm also going to wean myself from caffeine a lot earlier than this last time. I have had wicked migraines and it's totally not worth it when I have a full agenda and can't function because of a debilitating headache.

I'm currently sipping on my diet coke. I'll probably lose a few pounds just to get through my sister's wedding (I have to fit in my dress!) and then I seriously want to ttc in September.

So now that I'm off my baby high, I'll get going and finish my morning. I have a few things I need to do before work. I need to keep up with my magnesium and B6 supplements because they have made a huge difference in my energy levels. My skin and nails are quite fabulous right now, I think in part of the B6. It was either that or a surge of hormones. My face hasn't been this clear for almost 9 months. I love being 28 and have the face of a 14 year old.

So, the journaling will subside for now. But next month, I'll begin documenting the journey from preparation to ttc and we'll see where it goes from there!