Finally

The time is getting closer.

I am *days* away from creating another life. Tonight was my last night quote working unquote at Mystique, which was the biggest event of my year (somehow.) That, and my part-time job (that turned into full time) kept me occupied these past four months.

I wanted to wait until June, but then I turned 29 years old last month and felt strongly that enough was enough. No more waiting. Especially not for these projects that can be done without me.

I was set to get pregnant in January, then out of nowhere Taylor gets a quasi-job offer on the other side of the country. He really wants to pursue it. It means moving. It means packing up our house, selling what doesn't fit, move across the country and hope that our house sells. And it means doing it within a two-week time span.

We don't know one hundred percent that it's a for sure deal. It's likely, but not guaranteed. So, that means even though I'm mentally and emotionally prepared to be pregnant, the prospect of moving throws a wrench in my plans.

So, with my ONE week off coming up (first break in over a year) I fully intend to get as much sorted out as possible so that I am set to be sick and pregnant by February.

November 7, 2013

I want to have a baby.

Two months into my 9 month job and I'm ready to be done so I can be a stay at home sick pregnant mom. I honestly LOVE my job. I LOVE my life right now. I'm getting so much done and enjoying so much about having an almost 3 year old, I seriously go to bed with a grin every night. We play in the mornings, eat lunch together, clean up, then I take him to day care and I go to work for 6 hours. We're all home by 8 pm. We eat dinner, I watch Grey's Anatomy late into the night, while my boys are dozing peacefully in their beds. My house is clean and cozy and I try out new recipes every few days hoping my child will like it.

I am petrified to try again. I cannot end up in the hospital and the thought of that happening causes so much anxiety, along with the prospects of other stresses that are likely to happen. But having been a survivor, I remember the sweet reward that comes from the stressful sickness. It is such a burden on my life, and yet it is the greatest present I could possibly receive. I would miss out on Christmas festivities and joy, but I would be blessed beyond with the gift of carrying the greatest gift from God.

We are so broke right now. We were faced with a renting crisis two months ago that nearly depleted all of our savings, as well as all of our future earnings. Our renter left us empty-handed, we had to pay multiple rents, and we are now just barely catching up on all our other bills. Together, we having about $400 to our name, and about $20,000 in debt. We decided to move back into our home and pick up right where we left off. October was spent in crisis-mode, but hopefully by the end of November, we will be back up on our feet running. In retrospect, not getting pregnant in July was an enormous blessing. I truly believe in the Lord's timing of all things. If we are meant to get pregnant this time around, then I have faith that the Lord will unleash the beast and I'll be sick before I know it.

Logistics aside, November could be a great month to re-group, reorganize, and re-try to get back on the baby train. I entertain the idea that the fear of getting sick is worse than the actual sickness itself. The emptiness of my womb and arms is worse than the emptiness of my stomach and energy. I have a great support system. It's known and expected that I'll get terribly sick. I almost just need to rip off the bandaid instead of wait, just to find that all this time I've been slowly taking it off, that I've lost my chance to carry babies. This month I turn 29. I've waited as long as I have needed to to be a mom.

I want to have a baby.

I officially get tired at 8:30 p.m.

Nope, not because I'm pregnant. But I do wonder where this exhaustion comes from. It could be my diet and my schedule..Never before have I had to consistently wake up every day at 7:00 am. My days of sleeping in officially ended last June when I took the job with my sister's fiance. I also started my second job this week. Yeah, I took the plunge of selling my soul to a job for 9 months or more. Let me explain.

Last week I worked a lot, which was a blessing since Taylor hasn't started his job yet. I'd come home and swear I'm ready to quit the next day- that's been everyday this whole summer. I don't particularly love this current job. I'm mostly doing it to be nice. That's pretty much it. In many ways, it's a huge burden for me to work, considering daycare costs with a minimum wage that barely covers it. Plus gas, plus time it takes away from other priorities. But, lo, and behold I can't say no, or quit, so I've been truckin' along waiting for the perfect time to tell my boss that I just want to be a Stay At Home Mom. Nothing more. That's it. 

But then last week, my old dance friend Whitney posted a job listing on facebook looking for a receptionist for her dance studio. I don't know what overtook me, probably me wanting out of my current job so bad, I saw this as an opportunity to switch to a job that I'd definitely enjoy more, doing pretty much the same thing. It just felt right, but I was hesitant if whether Whitney would want someone she's known for so long working in her office. Some people might be weird about that. But I emailed her anyway and she eventually called me and within minutes I was hired. Possibly the easiest job interview ever!! 

So far, I love it. And I feel really good about the actual job itself. However, I feel super guilty about how this affects my plans with getting pregnant. Super, super guilty. All summer I was on board to put myself through hell for the sake of bringing another child into our family. I have been so baby-hungry, so anxious about the gap in age, and have only thought about preparing for this major life event by completely overhauling my life just for another baby. 

This may just be a temporary decision, but I have recently decided (without consulting with baby daddy yet) that I should consider waiting ONE MORE YEAR. Yep. That's right. Wait even longer to have one another sweet snuggly baby. GAH. I do NOT wait for nothing!! What the Heck!

It hit me last week. I was reading a post on Facebook from one of my fellow HG sufferers. The topic was space in age and how long do some moms wait til they try to conceive again. A few moms spoke of how they waiting between 5 to 7 years. Before, that would just rub me the wrong way. But as they explained how well it worked for them, I suddenly saw all the ways waiting at least one more year could be a really, really good thing. 

I get 11:11 (angel babies talking to me through numbers) reminders all day long, so this decision is still hard for me to accept. But then I think about how it will help my 2.5 year old with all his final development goals. 

I think about how we can get his belly hole totally closed and healed, how we can keep on working on eating different types of food to further help develop his palate. 

I think about how we can get through potty training, at least the better part. Teach him to take care of his own messes and be done with poopy diapers. 

I think about how we can teach him to communicate more and express himself with words, not with throwing fits from being overly tired. 

I think about how I can work my way into a work schedule that works around HG, and doesn't cause me to quit due to HG. And how Taylor can stabilize his work and school schedule and establish a solid routine, where we don't have to deal with extensive Navy training, getting laid off, or juggling a brand new job, full-time school, and a sick wife and or newborn baby. 

I think about how we've finally moved and settled into our new home, but how it still has a few little projects that need to be done. How it's nice to just sit and relax and enjoy being home all together for once.

 I think about the possibility of selling our Wayne home. And putting the profit towards my huge $12,000 C-section surgery debt I'm slowly chipping away at month after month. 

I think about how Taylor's new job could possibly help pay for his school, so we can possibly use his GI bill to pay off my student loans. Between student loans and a home loan being paid off, I will personally be debt-free. 

I think about how I can finish my degree and possibly my MBA if I devote myself to studies. The thought of being totally done with school, having my debts paid off, and a potty-trained little boy makes the prospects of getting deathly ill not as scary. 

I think about how I can devote the next year as my year. 

I think about how I can give myself the gift of a productive and emotionally satisfying year, knowing full well that I can actually enjoy myself instead of feeling the pressure of rushing to have a baby for the sake of not waiting too long. Sometimes my fear is "If I don't get pregnant now, when will I get pregnant?" I'm afraid I'll always find excuses, or something will prevent us from being able to conceive. That fear has given me a sense that it's now or never, but I'm realizing that a little time is a good thing and can actually make for a better, smoother pregnancy, especially knowing what pregnancies entail for me. 

I hope that this year will be a prosperous one. 

I hope that I'll develop a stronger relationship with my husband and my son. In the past few days, I've been soaking him up and really enjoying this time with him-because I can, so I should. I have been conscious about playing with him and not just turning a movie on and expecting to distract him so I can fit something extra in my day. I had two days off last week and I spent an entire day with him at home. We didn't leave each other's side once. The next day I took him to the park and played with him and let him fully experience the park without rushing him so I could satisfy something on my agenda. I'm finding that I really just need to chill and enjoy the sweet boy he is right now. Sometimes he throws a tantrum, but a lot of times he is perfectly innocent and kind like his father. He says "Thanks, mom." and "You're welcome, mom" and those words are gold to me. As much as I want him to develop and catch up, I don't want my baby to grow up. Especially not with a overly-distracted mom who is more concerned with the next, yet-to-be-conceived baby instead of him. 

After this summer of working, as well as working for Mystique for six months prior to this job, I've realized how I've put my boy on the back burner way too often. I know sometimes you have to, but I feel like it's too easy for me to just drop him off at day-care and expect someone else to care for him. This summer, I felt like between my sister and her daycare helpers, it took a village to help raise my son. It was probably a blessing in disguise, but I still hate the idea that I made something else a priority over being a mother first and foremost. At my Mystique job, I at least knew since I worked evenings, Taylor would be home with him and by the time I got home, they were fast asleep. With this job, it's right smack dab in the middle of the day, so it'd be typical to rush him to daycare for lunch and nap time, then pick him up halfway through his nap with the hopes that he'd finish at home, but instead would just be sleep-deprived and cry for at least the first hour of being home. I had way too many of these sort of days this summer, and it finally has taken its toll on me. I can't disrupt one more thing for my boy. He needs a routine, especially if we're going to attempt potty training. 

So, that is where I currently stand on gettin's my HG on. I may not even wait a whole year. It's possible we could ttc next summer when the kids are done with their dance recital. It'd give me three months to lay low before starting work again next September. 

Also, in the meantime, I could prep my body and overdose on pre-natals and magnesium supplements. I want to look into working closely with a midwife should my pregnancy prove to be low risk (not counting HG). I would definitely be open to a natural birth with natural labor and minimal intervention, if I'm a qualified candidate. I think it'd be a great way to celebrate being 30. 

Wow. 30?!?! 

 Let me just end with that thought.

Until next time,

Vanessa 

Day 13

The past 13 days have been the longest days, spent consumed by the prospect of being pregnant. All that came to a smashing end this morning when I got a surprise when I went to the bathroom. My Period. I had a feeling these past few days that I had period-like symptoms, but there were always the few things that reminded me of being preggo. My dreams lately have been quite lucid and I wake up with a very distinct memory of what I dreamed about. The sleepiness, but like I mentioned earlier, that was probably a combination of quitting caffeine cold turkey and having a sinus infection.

I also realized my ovulation calendar was off by 2 days. So after re-adjusting my calendar, the night we ttc was still one day before my "most fertile day." But the method we used to ttc was probably flawed, to which I am convinced is the main reason I'm not pregnant.

Technicalities aside, I sort of let a sigh of relief when I got the answer. I am right smack dab in the middle of pretty huge projects in my life that would honestly be carried out easier with me having my health and well being under control. But in two short months, I should be completed with everything. I can now finish these projects, and start weaning myself from work, and start saying 'no' to any future projects that I know aren't pregnancy-friendly. I'm also going to wean myself from caffeine a lot earlier than this last time. I have had wicked migraines and it's totally not worth it when I have a full agenda and can't function because of a debilitating headache.

I'm currently sipping on my diet coke. I'll probably lose a few pounds just to get through my sister's wedding (I have to fit in my dress!) and then I seriously want to ttc in September.

So now that I'm off my baby high, I'll get going and finish my morning. I have a few things I need to do before work. I need to keep up with my magnesium and B6 supplements because they have made a huge difference in my energy levels. My skin and nails are quite fabulous right now, I think in part of the B6. It was either that or a surge of hormones. My face hasn't been this clear for almost 9 months. I love being 28 and have the face of a 14 year old.

So, the journaling will subside for now. But next month, I'll begin documenting the journey from preparation to ttc and we'll see where it goes from there!

Day 8

The past few days have been busy -as always. Sometimes I think about how not being pregnant would probably be just as well. Timing-wise, there is so much I'm expected to do in the next few months. But me being my usual impatient self, I felt like I just couldn't wait one more month. I felt like waiting was harder than the prospect of getting really sick. So these past few days, I have been busy as a bee getting the last of my ducks in a row, as well as working, and helping my sister plan her wedding. Next task: throw a bridal shower. At this point, sooner is better than later. I'm tempted to throw it in the next two weeks, even though she's not getting married for another eight weeks. No harm in going a little early.

I'm feeling better since my sinus infection. My head isn't as stuffy and I don't taste copper anymore. I have eliminated Diet coke for good, but occasionally I'll sip on a coke with a splash of coconut syrup. I'd be sorta surprised if the syrup isn't adding extra potassium to my diet--sure, it's all sugar, but it also contains potassium in the ingredient list. If I get adventurous, I'll implement natural coconut flavor and milk wherever applicable (coconut infused rice?!)

I'm hulking up, on purpose. I'm eating every 3 hours. I don't have much of an appetite, but I'm looking for opportunities to get as many calories as I can. I feel heavier than usual. I still weigh less than I did when I was first preggo with Sawyer, so I'm giving myself permission to get fat this week and next. And if I'm in fact not pregnant, then I'll cut back and find a middle ground so I'll be ready in a few months.

My to-do list for this week is to put my son's room together and clean out the garage. Taylor needs to do a few odd jobs, as well as homework, but he's got some extra time, strangely enough so hopefully this weekend will allow us to get caught up on life so we can devote the next two weeks to preparing for or not preparing for a time of gestation.

Still taking daily magnesium and B6 supplements. I'm eating a lot of greens and healthy fats whenever possible. Not as many sweets, and trying to choose eggs over cereal when I can. Oh, and also, trying to remember to enjoy this time, and my baby son, and how cute he is and what a huge blessing he is to me. He has my whole heart and nothing will ever replace the love I have just for him.

Day 4-battling a sinus infection

I have been sick for a little over a week. On Taylor's birthday (July 16), I came home from work, made a quick dinner of Cup o' Noodles for my son and myself, and crashed. Luckily Taylor was home within that hour, and luckily TV in bed entertained my son sufficiently. Taylor told me to sleep and not worry about his b-day dinner. Thankfully, we had a fancy sushi dinner the night before. Good call, Vanessa.

Well, that night progressed into a really horrible sinus headache. I took an Excedrin, but a few days of feeling like crap urged me to seek medical intervention. Unfortunately, the doctor didn't see the seriousness of my cold and headache, brushed it off as a virus, but sent me home with a prescription, should my headaches get worse.

The headaches went away, but breathing through my nose was hard, talking was labored, and I was dizzy and fatigued. So yesterday, I attributed my sleepiness with possible morning sickness, but I realized it was still most likely from the "virus" that needed to be obliterated. So I got antibiotics last night, slept a comfortable 9 hours, and woke up feeling refreshed. Virus=obliterated. I have more energy today. That "trapped water in my head" I felt every time I walked is gone, and the nasal-y sound isn't as prominent when I talk.

I feel like mentioning this because this is a constant theme in my life. I know my body, my thresholds, and I know when I have "just a cold." I get them all the time. But if it's a bacterial infection that causes me hide under my covers, blocking all light and sound, and if I'm sick enough to seek medical advice, I don't want to be sent home empty handed.

I felt like this was how my last pregnancy was also treated. I'd get a sympathetic look, and then a "you'll get over it" response, leaving the hospital to go home and throw up constantly for another 48 hours.

Finally, 4 months in, the ER doctor confirms that I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum, but without any sense of priority or urgency. All I got was "come in at 8:00 am when your OB is here." So from 2:00 am to 8:00 am I tried to sleep as much as possible. Of course, it was outside on my parent's front lawn. Because I was sick of sleeping by the toilet. My OB was a lot more sympathetic, and treated me with IV therapy that same day. I could have kissed him. He prescribed 14 days of IV therapy, because he understood the gravity of what I was going through.

Since I have that history with Dr. Cox, I have decided that the moment the pregnancy test confirms I'm pregnant, I'm calling his nurse to get a prescription asap for Zofran, and then I'm going to demand to be seen by him as soon as possible.

I'm not going to wait to get sick.

I'm going to have him prescribe me Zofran, Diclegis, Sancuso patch, and help me set up Home Health care, and I'm not leaving the office until that's all figured out. 

I'm not waiting til I'm dehydrated and can only talk in whispers to get my doctor's attention. I'm starting zofran the moment I feel nauseous. I'm not going to wait to get sick.

Sometimes, easier said than done. Otherwise, I'm feeling great. I am noticing an increase in appetite, with an okay response to sugar, so for the sake of taking in calories, I'm eating sugar now to hopefully be stored for when and if my body starts to go into starvation mode.  Dr. Cox said I need as much glycemic storage as possible, but I do fear I am prone to hypoglycemia. Which is further propagated by HG. So I have nuts and beef jerky on hand for that very reason. Quick, fast protein for those moments when I feel like death.

My energy is still in check. My life is currently conducive to sedentary activities, besides playing with my kid and cleaning our two story condo. Other than that, I'm not doing anything crazy, like last time. Last pregnancy I was riding my bike to and from work at 6:00 am, I was unpacking boxes after moving into our house, and I was helping my friend with her wedding. Also, I was going to school full-time. Busy, but that's fairly normal for me. I purposely eliminated all extra activities for this specific point in time in my potential pregnancy. The only things I have to stress about is my 3 hour work shifts, and my little sister's upcoming wedding that I was asked to help make her cake...It only took three years of working extra hard to get to this point, where I have the luxury to just sit at my computer and blog while I listen to my sweet 2 1/2 year old sing "The Wheels on the Bus" over and over. There is seriously nothing better.

Day 2

My coconut flavored syrup came in the mail today. Too bad I won't be using it to make Dirty Diet Cokes until I know whether I'm pregnant or not.

Well..it's been a full 24 hours since my husband and I tried to conceive. The biggest change in my body thus far is fatigue. I attribute it to caffeine withdrawals. By 4:00 pm today I couldn't keep my eyes open. I even took a late nap til I decided I should wake up and eat. It's 1:00 am now and I'm hoping I can hop back into bed and melt away.

I'm on a light schedule this week. I only work 3 hours a day, and S only goes to daycare for those hours, so I'm not stressing too much about separation anxiety. I hope to taper off at work and do occasional Saturdays or not work at all. Taylor's new schedule will also allow him to take S to daycare in the morning before class, then I can pick him up around noon (on those rough mornings), or at the latest I can pick him up at 3:00 pm after his nap. I am normally a SAHM and would normally choose to keep my children in my line of sight, but I think HG is a situation that would be best remedied with supplementary child care. At least for the next two to three months. Plus, I do believe S benefits from having the social interaction that he doesn't get at home.

I forgot to take my Magnesium/Calcium today til dinner. I really should be taking it with each meal. Tomorrow I'm going to remember to take them with each meal, as well as drink lemon water and take an evening walk, just because I think it would be a good habit to get into.

Day 1: Conception

I'm listening to Katie Herzig's "Wish You Well."

"I, I want to wish you well
I didn’t watch you go
Cause I suppose I don’t know how
I, I will remember you
Not the way you left but how you lived
And what you knew"


This song describes my transition into the next chapter into my life.

Pregnancy.

This blog is meant to be my go-to during this ambitious journey. I plan to write about everything that I deem important and worth noting. I'm sure there will be a lot of tears, frustration, and whining. But my goal is to document my journey, noting what proactive steps I'm making to make this process less arduous. Like this song, I feel like I've learned so much these past 3 crazy years. I had to find my way through it all. I had to deal with my fair share of physical turmoil. I kept telling myself "next time" I get pregnant, I'll do "this", or "that" differently-whatever those things were.

I have been mentally and physically, and emotionally as well, preparing myself for this point. Patiently. I almost took the plunge last March, but got cold feet at the last minute because I had a huge list of life changes going on during that time. But now- Now we are all settled in our new place (requested by my pregnant self). Most of our stuff is clean and organized (another request), there is AC (an important detail), and I'm for the most part prepared for the worst (dehydration, IVs, hospital visits, etc. etc.) Knowing that this will be my life for the next five or so months will hopefully help me on my hardest days - it will help me remember that I knowingly made this decision, fully aware of the repercussions to follow.

I may share this with my fellow HG sufferers on Facebook. If I find that my protocol and approach to easing HG is effective and worth sharing, I may include this blog in a thread. But regardless, I plan to include as many details as possible. I think it would be wise to document my experience efficiently as possible to get the best medical help possible. And to also help with future pregnancies.

So, first detail I'm sharing is: DRUMROLL.................. tonight is the night! I'm currently ovulating (according to my fertility calendar.)  I'm assuming I'm fairly fertile, considering I had no issues conceiving Baby S (surprise pregnancy!) I haven't been on birth control for months....I don't really care for birth control, so my husband and I use the "family planning" method. That's also how I got pregnant the firs time around! ha.

I am choosing to try to conceive a few days before my "most fertile day" because I read that it increases the chances of conceiving a girl. But that's just one little step I'm taking- I really couldn't care less if we conceive a girl or boy. But where I have to be proactive anyway, I'm being proactive about the timing of us ttc. So, tonight it is.

I purposely gained about 5 extra pounds (which is a lot for me). I sort of let go of my diet and stocked up on whole milk and ice cream. I would say I currently weigh 127 lbs. About a year ago, I started taking Milk Thistle supplements to help detox my liver. I felt like it helped with constipation, but where I wasn't pregnant, I'm not sure if it had any benefits in regards to HG. So I took a break from MT. Then I read up on Magnesium and how important it is to stay on top of. So I started taking over the counter Mag/Calcium supplements and noticed slight improvements in my energy levels. My biggest health issue (if you can call it that) is my dependency on caffeine. The past few months have been especially filled with daily Diet Cokes to keep me going. Today I skipped the diet coke and took a few sips of a regular Coke (which has less caffeine) and that should help me regulate my caffeine withdrawals by this weekend, if not sooner.

Another lifestyle change I committed to was going gluten-free. I think I went a month without consuming flour products or cans/mixes/soups with gluten in them. I wasn't 100%, but pretty close. I actually lost 7 or so lbs (water weight probably), and felt great. My energy was amazing. Then one night I sort of crashed and resorted to eating all the comfort foods I had denied myself. That bender sort of turned into a three month carb-overload bender. I gained the weight back, as well as broke out in cystic pimples on my face and neck. I'm 28 years old and feel and look some days like I did when I was 14. But that month of being slender and having endless energy was a glorious time. Tonight, I opted for Mexican food (for probably the last time for a while) as a sort of "last meal." Like my facebook HG cohort Tara, I am committed to being diligent to a regimented eating schedule, and opting for low-gluten food choices whenever possible. I remember last pregnancy and how sugar would destroy me- so I think it's safe to say I'll steer clear of carbs, sweets, and hard-to-digest foods containing gluten.

During my last pregnancy, I struggled the most with smells. I'm curious as to how living in a cleaner home will affect me. I wonder if my triggers will be like last time: shampoo, conditioner, perfume, body wash, laundry soap, and dryer sheets. Regardless, my plan is to keep all smells at bay. They're good to just sit on the shelf for now. I will probably listen to less music, look at less Pinterest, and not drive my hot car if I don't have to.

As soon as my pregnancy test confirms I'm pregnant, I will contact my doctor Dr. Cox and request a prescription for Diclegis, Zantac, Zofran, and I'll pick up test strips that detect ketone levels. I will be aggressive with meds and not let myself get to the point where I'm in and out of consciousness on the couch, wondering if I'm going to die in front of my worried and confused family.

And at the very least, I'm going to remember WHY I'm doing this. One look at my prince gives me many reminders of why motherhood is the greatest calling ever.

Though this may sound ambitious to say prior to HG, my one lofty goal for this pregnancy is to go as long as I can without letting my family know what's going on. I spilled the beans when I was 6 weeks, because I was crying and exhausted and I just wanted my mommy. This time, it would be fantastic to make the announcement via "I'm the big brother" t-shirt at a family dinner.