I want to have a baby.
Two months into my 9 month job and I'm ready to be done so I can be a stay at home sick pregnant mom. I honestly LOVE my job. I LOVE my life right now. I'm getting so much done and enjoying so much about having an almost 3 year old, I seriously go to bed with a grin every night. We play in the mornings, eat lunch together, clean up, then I take him to day care and I go to work for 6 hours. We're all home by 8 pm. We eat dinner, I watch Grey's Anatomy late into the night, while my boys are dozing peacefully in their beds. My house is clean and cozy and I try out new recipes every few days hoping my child will like it.
I am petrified to try again. I cannot end up in the hospital and the thought of that happening causes so much anxiety, along with the prospects of other stresses that are likely to happen. But having been a survivor, I remember the sweet reward that comes from the stressful sickness. It is such a burden on my life, and yet it is the greatest present I could possibly receive. I would miss out on Christmas festivities and joy, but I would be blessed beyond with the gift of carrying the greatest gift from God.
We are so broke right now. We were faced with a renting crisis two months ago that nearly depleted all of our savings, as well as all of our future earnings. Our renter left us empty-handed, we had to pay multiple rents, and we are now just barely catching up on all our other bills. Together, we having about $400 to our name, and about $20,000 in debt. We decided to move back into our home and pick up right where we left off. October was spent in crisis-mode, but hopefully by the end of November, we will be back up on our feet running. In retrospect, not getting pregnant in July was an enormous blessing. I truly believe in the Lord's timing of all things. If we are meant to get pregnant this time around, then I have faith that the Lord will unleash the beast and I'll be sick before I know it.
Logistics aside, November could be a great month to re-group, reorganize, and re-try to get back on the baby train. I entertain the idea that the fear of getting sick is worse than the actual sickness itself. The emptiness of my womb and arms is worse than the emptiness of my stomach and energy. I have a great support system. It's known and expected that I'll get terribly sick. I almost just need to rip off the bandaid instead of wait, just to find that all this time I've been slowly taking it off, that I've lost my chance to carry babies. This month I turn 29. I've waited as long as I have needed to to be a mom.
I want to have a baby.
