Life in the fat lane.

On top of taking a huge leap of faith by attempting to get pregnant again, I went ahead and decided to gain some weight in the meantime. That takes guts, if you know me, seeing as to how I've re-built my life around my new figure. I worked my butt off for a new figure that came ten years too late, three boyfriends too late, and after many many years of comparing myself to skinny girls at dance. I have self perception body issues stemming from adolescence, and now, almost 30, I'm in the greatest shape of my life, but in the past four weeks, I have given myself permission to let it all go. I'm not huge, fat, or overweight by any means. I'm maybe 8-10 lbs heavier than I was in December, but I feel differently as far as energy goes. I sweat a lot. My belly pooches. My dancer legs are filling out again. I'm always going to the bathroom, always drinking fluids, always sneaking calories in whatever form I can....I am doing all of this in the hopes that if HG hits in the next two weeks and I cannot hold any food down, I'll be prepared to go a few days without eating. Not weeks, but I can do days. 

I remember those first few hellish weeks of HG and how I was doing EVERYTHING wrong. I remember scarfing down a Frosty from Wendy's, and then puking it up a minute later. SLOW AND STEADY! I remember scouring my house with bleach to get rid of the cat pee smell. The combination was futile. NEVER AGAIN. I remember taking OTC Nausea medicine. It was cherry flavored and made me throw up before it hit my stomach. I WILL GET ZOFRAN BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE HAPPENS. I remember working every morning and not starting my day off with protein, but instead orange juice or hot chocolate. EAT PROTEIN AND NO EXTRA SUGAR. I remember getting blood drawn, like a normal person, but passing out two times like a sick person, and needing help driving home. I WILL NOT LET THAT MUCH BLOOD BE DRAWN, IF ANY AT ALL. I remember how my house was in total disarray, my finances were unorganized, and I was stuck wearing Richard and Jenna's clothes because my clothes were too stinky. I WILL ONLY WASH OUR CLOTHES IN WATER FOR THE FIRST FEW WEEKS SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE A ORPHAN WHEN I GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I full on expect to get sick, but I have done all that I can to make the first three months bearable. I full on intend to stay home as much as possible, even if it means not going to the doctor for blood samples or check ups...the best thing is to stay at home in the comfort of my own surroundings, where I can function as high or low as I feel like. All the while, looking fabulous in silky pajamas and designer maternity clothes that I've been eyeing. 

I won't expect myself to even step foot in the car, unless it's to get IV's. I expect home health to take over if it does get to that point. I won't expect myself to hang out near the toilet all day, fearing that if I don't run fast enough, I'll miss and make a huge mess everywhere. I will keep bowls and bags at my bedside for that very reason. 

I'm getting the gross stuff written out now, while I'm at full health. Who knows when or if the sickness is going to appear. All I know is I'm ready this time around.